Homecoming

As is probably obvious from the frequency of recent posting, Potty blogger has been traveling for work the last few weeks.

And while it's exciting to meet a new toilet on the road, there's nothing like coming home to the warm familiarity of 720 California fourth floor men's room. It was my first stop this morning.

She did not disappoint.

There was a partially digested deuce waiting for me in the penthouse stall. It sort of poked its head up out of the water as if to say, "Welcome home. We've missed you."

I cleared the screen, conducted my business, headed toward the sink, washed my hands and reached for the paper towel...to find them completely out.

Two for two, fourth floor men's room. Good to be home.

I shook my hands dry and opened the door and hesitated. "What the heck," I thought to myself. "Let's celebrate." I reached back, stuck my hand under the hand sanitizer dispenser, and let it take a gigantic dump in the palm of my hand.

The machines gain a toe hold

720 California has doubled-down on hand sanitizer.

While we have established that hand sanitizer is not a substitute for soap and water, the powers-that-be decided to install automatic hand sanitizer dispensers near the door of every restroom in the building. Technology to keep us all clean and safe!

The near-door placement means that you can open the door, hold it open with your foot, place your hands under the dispenser, sanitize yourself and then exit the rest room without ever having to touch the dreaded (and likely diseased) door handle.

The one hiccup in the plan is that the volume knob on the dispenser seems to have been turned past "dollop" all the way over to "barf."

In fact, so much sanitizer is dispensed that you are immediately faced with a dilemma: where do go to get rid of the excess? Do you turn around and head back to the sink and wash it off? Do you make a left turn and head for the kitchen, grab a paper towel and scrape off the extra glop? Or do you wander around the office, hands outstretched, shouting "who wants some Purell?" to your co-workers?

The good news is that the company is clearly willing to invest in technology to keep us clean. Let's get on this bidet thing.

Piece of garbage celebrates one-month anniversary

You know that gold crown thing that's been hanging out on top of the third floor penthouse toilet for the past month?

Earlier this week, it made a break for it.

It is no longer sitting on top of the back lip of the toilet, but has scurried into a corner of the penthouse stall. Where it has been sitting for the past three days.

When does something actually become "garbage" in a 720 California restroom? Apparently, the janitorial and maintenance staff has been instructed: "Please do not discard any unidentified item for at least six to eight weeks."

So if it this thing is yours, you might want to grab it today. Because in a few weeks, somebody is going to throw it away. Maybe.

What the hell is THAT?

By now, all of us at 720 California are used to the idea that the business chamber may contain an unexpected surprise.

But the urinal is a different story.

Sure, people drop stuff in there from time to time. But when one finds a substance of an...organic nature, well, that’s news, folks.

Several people stopped by potty blogger’s work station today with some version of “Dude, have you seen that thing in the big boy urinal? What IS it?”

I have no idea. But it’s sitting there on top of the urinal cake, quietly mocking us all. (And no, I will not post a picture.)

When I first saw it this morning, my first guess was, “piece of tomato.” But when my brain failed to come up with even one possible scenario for a person eating a BLT in front of the urinal, I decided to make a closer inspection.

I wish that I hadn’t.

It is definitely “man made.” A lougie? No. At least, it does not conform to any known lougie specification as it could not be dislodged with a steady stream.

A colleague suggested “kidney stone,” and the mere thought of a co-worker dropping a stone at the urinal made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. But another colleague (whose medical credentials include two semesters as a dorm EMT in college) said that it is most definitely not a kidney stone.

So, the mystery remains. There is an unidentified foreign object sitting atop the urinal cake in the big boy urinal. If you are responsible, please explain yourself.

Nobel Piss Prize

Friday afternoon keg of beer on the loading dock = one colleague spending close to ten minutes at the big boy urinal. Sources tell potty blogger that audio evidence suggests a good three-to-four minute uninterrupted stream.

We salute you, urinary wonder.

Smells like nervous tummy

Walked into first floor men's room this morning and it smelled like a tire fire.

Or rather, it smelled like somebody lit a tire fire, put that tire fire into their anus, let it burn for a while, and then released it into one of the stalls.

This is a chronic problem for first floor men's room for one reason: job applicants.

A job applicant arrives at our building for a job interview. He takes a seat in the first floor waiting area. He is nervous. His tummy starts to rumble. He decides to make a pre-inteview stop in first floor men's room. The results are rarely pretty.

We're out of cake

Whoa.

Looks like somebody on third floor wasn't too happy about having to work this weekend. Because over the course of 48 hours, he obliterated the big boy urinal cake. (See sad finger nail-sized cake remnant in adjacent photo. That's one small slice o' blue frosting, friends.)

Our sources say the cake was intact Friday afternoon. (Hey, we've got to give the Potty Blogger intern something to do.) This morning...not so much.

A couple of observations:

1. How angry do you have to be to generate enough water-pressure to destroy an industrial-sized block of chemical freshener?

2. If your urine toxicity is at a level where such a feat is possible, you may want to drink a few more glasses of water each day.

3. What's the over/under on the number of weeks/years before the cake is replaced?

4. We've all gotten spoiled the last few weeks by having the cake in place, but it's time to start flushing again, men. An easy way to remember: if the water is still yellow, you haven't flushed.