Did you leave your balls in the men’s room?

Somebody did.

That is a ping-pong ball sitting up on the handicap rail of the penthouse stall.

First of all, this is INSANELY dangerous. Can you imagine the handi-abled gent who wheels into the stall and then tries to hoist himself onto the bowl using that rail and then his hand SLIPS on your carelessly-left-behind ping-pong ball?!? He could fall and paralyze himself! (If he’s not already paralyzed, of course.)

Second, which one of you ballers is carrying around your own ping-pong ball? And why?

Third, WHERE were you keeping that ball? Was it someplace where it needed to be removed before you could do your #2 business?

The lesson here: If you insist on keeping a ping-pong ball in your butt (no judgement) then please replace it before exiting the stall lest your double paralyze a co-worker.

Please don't wipe your butt with an old t-shirt

I wish I didn't have to write this, but evidence in the men's room this week suggests that it may be necessary. 

If you are making a number two and there is no toilet paper but there IS an old t-shirt lying around, you MAY be tempted to use that old t-shirt to wipe your butt. 

But think ahead, dear reader. Then what? What happens the second after you've cleaned yourself up? What do you DO with the t-shirt? 

So, thanks, thoughtful-co-worker-who-left-his-old-t-shirt-draped-over-the-handicap-bar but I think we'll be just fine without your v-neck. 

Watermelon anus?

This tip came in this morning from a faithful reader. It feels like important news to report.

This is what the future is going to be like friends: a world where you can make your dumps smell like anything you want. That's a world I WANT to live in.

Not sure if it's a pill or an attachment or what that gives you this super power, but sign Potty Blogger up for your beta test, please.